This is what I know (or don't)...with "5 minutes on the clock please"

You know I have almost dreaded this blog for some reason.  Here I am approaching December and my year is almost up.  What a journey a learning and personal growth but we are still not pregnant.

So now I feel like Drew Barrymore in the movie Never Been Kissed.  If you have seen it you will know what I mean in regard to this analogy.  If you haven't seen it, here is a brief explanation.  So Drew - who plays Josie Keller a character that in high school was never cool or hip, gets to relive her high school experience as an undercover reporter.  There she meets what she feels is the love of her life and just as he is about to walk out she finds a way to try to get him back.  Now I have the love of my life so the analogy is not about that - however one key part at the end of the movie when she is at the baseball field and what appears to be the whole city of Chicago watching to see if her plan to get the man of her dreams back will work.  She asks for "5 minutes on the clock please" and then time slowly counts down - will the man she loves show up for her very first "real" kiss.

"May I have 5 minutes on the clock please?"

Well now my analogy - In regard to getting pregnant, I feel like I have "5 minutes" on my clock and time is ticking by ever so constantly and consistently - as time should.  I have prayed, fasted, and done everything that both Dean and I feel is truly right for us and our home.  We have done everything we felt we can do and now here is what I know and what I have learned from this experience:

• I have learned that doctor's don't know everything.
• I have learned that when I know there are different answers I need to seek them through prayer and let my heart be guided by the spirit.
• I know that I am loved by so many people - my husband, my parents, family and friends and most of all my Father in Heaven.
• I know that there is a reason for everything - but knowing the end of my story will take an eternity.
• I have learned that I have NO CONTROL.
• I have learned that I am still learning patience and probably will be for the rest of my life.
• I know that things work out, they always do - just not in the way we expect.

So now with 5 minutes on my clock I feel as if I am standing here, waiting, wondering and hoping that I can understand what will be the best for me and our home.  We would welcome a baby, we would love a baby but now as time slowly runs out from my perspective - what does my Heavenly Father want for me, our home and our family.  For some reason in January 2011, I felt so strongly impressed to start this journey of trying to have a child.  I thought I was crazy - so crazy.  Dean and I had already been married for two years with no success and we knew that would probably be the case before we got married - however the impression was strong so we decided to press forward - why I will never know (or at least not at this point). 

So now with "5 minutes on the clock" we wait knowing we have done everything we can do - it is in the hands of a higher power.  With faith and courage undaunted we wait.

A New Perspective

So after the appearance of the single pink line.  I decided to change my perspective.  A focus on my inner self.  Something inside of me didn't feel right and what my physicians had to offer didn't feel like the right direction either.  So my friend recommended a Bio-Kinetic Herbalist.  Someone who she had never met but only heard wonderful things about.  So after much hesitation I called left my name and number and waited and waited and waited.  Six weeks to be exact.  So when I finally got an appointment, I almost cancelled - worry.  Dean said to just go and see.  So I went and WOW can I just say AMAZING.  Tisha identified several things some I knew about others I didn't.  She suggested the right combination of herbs and WOW - I feel GREAT.  Dean and I took some before and after shots of a persistent type of eczema on my hand.  Well it is not quite healed after two week but there is improvement.  I will follow up with more detail in my next post!  Thanks to Melissa and thanks to Tisha!

Oh how I DISLIKE that single pink line...

Oh how I do not like that single pink line!

Not a lot to say today - simply just that I feel like a crazy woman.  I had hoped so much that after a successful HSG test - that process would help boost the odds of getting pregnant.  I even thought I might be pregnant.  Well I ran the First Response Pregnancy Test on day 27 and oh how I despise that single pink line.  Well day 28 has arrived and it has been confirmed - that test is truly 99% accurate as the box states and the single pink line wins.  Wanting to have a baby and trying to have a baby have become a very difficult and maddening process.  Yes I realize we truly started trying to get pregnant the day we got married but it was about 6 months ago that we actually pulled science into the mix.  I thought, well actually had hoped, that this process would be a little easier than expected.  But NO I truly don't do anything really easy in life and getting pregnant is no exception.

Deep sigh - tomorrow is another day and forward with faith we go.  Maybe just maybe someday we will be able to add another person into our family.  DEEP SIGH....

Waiting is so tough for someone with so little patience...

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." ~~C.S. Lewis~~

In my last blog, I discussed the next procedure in line for me on my journey this year to conceive a child - the HSG.  August 19, 2011 came and Dean took me to the hospital for a procedure that I thought I should cancel at least 5 times.  I just felt like the result would show that my tubes were blocked and that would be the end of trying.  I was afraid and in tears.  I was at my limit with stress and my emotions were up and down like a roller coaster.  I went in for the procedure and it took a bit longer than expected.  The technologist brought Dean back to go over the pictures from the X-Ray.  There was no blockage!  I couldn't believe it - just another miracle in my life.  Dean just held me and I sobbed with relief.   He said "See you need to have faith."

I went home that morning and called my acupuncturist and scheduled my next appointment.  Dean and I decided to move forward with strength doing what we feel is right for our home and family.  I started mapping again and my Clear Blue Easy test came back on day 14 with the smiley face.  All systems go...now I wait.  Oh my there are 31 days in this pattern and they seem to be crawling along ever so slowly.  Are the twinges of pain I feel anything?   How about the occasional cramps and queasy stomach?  How about the irregular fatigue that hits in the late afternoon?  Are these just my mind or is it real?  The mind is so powerful and my heart wants so desperately to have my body understand how to make this work I wonder if I am just making this up?  Sometimes I just don't know what to feel.  And it is just a bit too soon for a home pregnancy test - this I know.  I wish there was a way to tell - I know what I feel in my heart but I have to wait for modern science and my body to confirm.

One other thing I have recently learned, I had no idea I could go online and take quiz after quiz to determine if what I am feeling is the early signs of pregnancy.  They all say the same thing - maybe.  So maybe just maybe - I wait 26 days into this cycle wondering if this will be the month.  But if not - we move forward - I move forward trying to best understand Heavenly Father's will for me and our family.  Courage and faith I wait.

How do you say that word?

Normally I add a picture about the topic I am writing about
however I don't have a good picture for today's topic.  So
I added this picture from Pioneer Trek of my wonderful husband

So as we move forward trying to expand our family, we made the decision that I would have a HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG).  A what? Can you pronounce that for me?  So one question that I have had all along is how much damage has been done because of the endometriosis.  I had hoped that something would happen pregnancy wise before it came to this step, but it hasn't and we are not pregnant yet.  So I went to see a specialist. Deep sigh, pause and as I suspected all along, yes I am definitely the root cause of the problem. The specialist had a few suggestions and the HSG was a starting point.  So next week I get to go in for this procedure - an x-ray exam to determine if everything is the right shape and size and to identify if there is any blockage.   I am nervous.  This test has such a potential finality to it - depending on what the results show this may bring trying to get pregnant to an end.  I mean seriously I am 40 years old.  I didn't get married until I was 37 and so the proverbial clock is ticking and not really in my favor.  So I am worried.  My sweet husband says that I should stop worrying over things that I don't have any control over.  He is right but often that is easier said than done.  So now I wait again until next Friday.  I am trying hard to have faith that I can accept and understand what plan our Heavenly Father has for our family - whatever the test results show.  For me this is a very big leap of faith and hope that I made the choices I was supposed to years ago in regard to my health.  Life is about learning and this is another step in the process.

Now on a frustrating side note - I called my insurance to make sure this very baseline procedure would be covered.  However I learned that fertility is an elective process. So if I can get pregnant fertility no longer becomes an option but a standard process that has to be taken care of because I would be carrying another person inside of me. So because I can't get pregnant, like I personally chose that option, fertility or testing for infertility becomes an elective procedure and insurance companies are not really willing to pay for elective procedures.   I found out that my insurer will only pay 50% of the procedure up to $1500 per year with a lifetime max benefit of $5000.  I also learned that each hospital has a different cost for the procedure I need done.  Since my physician is paneled at several hospitals - I went shopping for the lowest rate.  Oh my this feels very backward but at this point I guess it is what I have to do in order to get this test done.  Wow I am learning a lot by not being fertile.   My bigger question is who defined this process as elective?  It makes me feel like the infertility procedure is being compared to a tummy tuck or breast augmentation.  I would really like to chat with them about that potentially inequitable comparison in health care.  Hmmm....well that's all for now, waiting, faith and courage...we move forward.

Self Portraits

Dean and I in an Illinois cornfield.  It was 100 degrees outside!



This summer has just gone by way too fast.  Tomorrow is August 1st - I can't believe it.  I made a blog post the first part of July and I had committed to myself to be more active in keeping track of the events this summer.  Hmmm...I am a little behind.  In an effort to catch up, here is a shortened version.  We recently had two major family activities this summer - Mormon Pioneer Trek which was up in Wyoming at Muddy Creek and our family anniversary held a little early this year in Nauvoo, Illinois to see the LDS Church History sites and to visit Grandma and Papa.  I am trying to put together the photo memory books before the summer is over and that is proving to be quite a challenge.  However I thought it would be fun to share a family tradition that we have anytime we go somewhere - it is the family self portrait.  When we are at a location that we like, our family squeezes together as tight as we can get - and then one person will extend their arm with camera in hand and snap a picture trying to incorporate the family and as much of the background as possible.  It works really well when we get everything in one shot.  However - sometimes it takes a few tries and being that tight and close after ten or so tries - well let's just say the family love begins to lessen just a bit.  But we survive and the memories are great.  Here are a few of my favorite shots from our recent adventures...



Here we are at the Nauvoo, Il LDS Temple






Modeling our Prairie Diamonds from the
Nauvoo Blacksmith shop.

  

It's 9:00am and we are at the end of the Trail of Hope (tears) on the Mississippi River.
It is 95 degrees outside and it looks like it may be a bit too early in the morning for a self portrait with teenagers!



Self Portrait at the St. Louis Archway - and yes it is 95 degrees at 9:00am. 
This picture is after seven tries! We finally got one I liked!




Inside the Archway
waiting for our ride down







Here are a few more pictures to catch up with our summer events.  These bring back fun memories even though it was a short time ago!



Mormon Pioneer Trek - Muddy Creek Wyoming in June 2011



Kiss Me Dirty Mud Run girls only - July 2, 2011






C'mon how about a kiss?

  

We had to find a way to include the boys too! :)






One of my favorites - Dean and I as we look at the Mississippi River at the St. Louis Archway. 
A nice way to end the trip!

 There is a review of summer 2011 so far.  It has been fun and filled with a lot to do!  Hopefully I will be able to update things a bit more frequently now as we move into fall.

Baby Ducks

The other night Dean and I were driving down a very busy construction filled street for our weekly date.  We had had several difficult weeks at home with our teenagers.  Well, to be honest several difficult months -hence the reason I haven't blogged for a while.  So now that we had some time to ourselves, we were simply sitting in silence in the car.  The traffic light had turned red and I was lost in my thoughts trying to figure out how things had gone so far off course in our home.  Sitting there, I looked up and noticed a mother duck trying to get her babies across seven different lanes of traffic.  Since our car had just come to a stop, she decided to cross right in front of us.  My heart panicked for her knowing she needed to make it across the street with her brood.  In a split second I went to jump out of the car but I froze as the light turned green.  Dean rolled down the window and got oncoming cars to stop - she made it across half of the busy construction filled road and had halfway to go without our help.  Our car didn't move and neither did the car next to us.  This brave mother duck waddled on with her children following closely behind.  Cars stopped quickly on the other side of the road when they realized this small family was working so frantically to get across the street.  What played out in just a matter of seconds - sure felt like an eternity as we waited to ensure the safe passage of this small group.  They made it!  Oh relief, tears welled up in my eyes,my racing heart began to relax and we drove on to our destination.

Lost in my thoughts again, I realized that I am like that mother duck.  I didn't have the opportunity to raise my children when they were young and now as they begin to spread their wings and learn to take flight I find myself doing everything possible to make sure they know how to cross the very busy street of life.  I am dependant on others around me (God, family, ward members and good friends) to help guide my children safely through the worldly construction.  Sometimes I can't do it alone - in fact I am sure that's the way our Heavenly Father planned it.  I need God in my life, I need the guidance as I navigate across the "busy road."  My children need him as well.  It is so hard watching my children grow, struggle and learn.  As they struggle, I struggle.  I want so bad to shelter them from the storm.  I can't always do that and I have to have faith they will remember what they have been taught, make good choices and always be surrounded by the everyday people and things that will help them cross the busy street.

Life has settled down in our home again.  Our children have had some marvelous experiences in the past few weeks and I am grateful.  I pray that they will continue to have a desire to choose good things that make them happy.

Now on getting pregnant.  Well with all of the chaos in our home, Dean and I decided to focus on our teenagers - not on getting pregnant.  So acupuncture and temperature reading were put on hold.  To be honest, my teenagers are making me really question having a child.  Parenting teens is emotionally draining and frankly I am not sure I am up for round two.  So we are trying to decide what our next step will be in this process.  We are looking at getting July behind us and then we will determine which way to go on this journey.

Keeping Busy

It has been a month since I posted an update on this 2011 journey.   Spring has been very interesting one minute there is sunshine and 70 degree temperatures and the next day we could wake up with 4 inches of snow.  It is crazy.  I am ready for spring.  I am ready to work in my garden and dig in the dirt.  Just ready for sunshine.  Oh how I long for the sun and the warmth that it brings.

In the last blog I discussed my concerns about having a child.  I still have

 concerns but I have settled into the process of trying.  I wake up every morning and before I barely move, I take my temperature.  I log it and then I look for any changes.  I really feel more in tune with my body than ever before.  I never realized.  I am continuing with acupuncture, daily vitamins and supplements and now Chinese herbs.  I am not pregnant yet but I feel great - better than I have felt in a very long time!  It is amazing.

One of the other things that have I had to make the decision to change is my eating habits.  No dairy, no wheat and no refined sugar.  So what is a girl with a sweet tooth to do?  Well I have buried myself in the kitchen.  Trying recipes and experimenting.  My family has been the testing zone.  Some things have been a success and others - well big flops.  My first success was from the the Spunky Coconut is was the Spunky Coconut Vanilla Bean Cake recipe. My family loved that cake and did not have a clue what the ingredients were in the recipe.  The secret - cooked white beans.  When I told them - jaws dropped but they continued to eat it.  Sam even had two pieces.  Now that I have made changes in my diet, spent so much time cooking and tasting - the amazing thing is that I am down 10 pounds from Christmas.  I am still 10 pounds to go to hit my goal but I feel amazing!

Last thing - Dean and I just finished our first half marathon for the year and we completed it with one of our best times in our half marathon career.  I followed a combination of running and walking and finished in 2 hours and 32 minutes.  Yeah!!!  The most amazing thing I wasn't sore the next day.  I felt great.  I had energy.  I can't wait until our next race in a month.  In fact my children are excited about being active.  In fact I talked my daughter into doing the Dirty Girl Run.  We are a relay team and we will each be taking 2 miles through mud obstacles dressed as divas!  We are looking forward to that event in July. The site is Dirty Girl Run - check it out!

What Are We Doing?

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind.  Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog.  So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways.  Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion).  As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things.  My diet.  So here are the suggested changes:

• Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
• Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
• Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
• Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM!  I really like sugar
• Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
• Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
• No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice.  I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task.  I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen.  I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.'  I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this?  Most of all I am afraid of failure.  How will I feel if this doesn't work? 

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well.  However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband.  Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me.  I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe.  Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped.  Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again.  I dated and dated and then I met my husband.  I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit.  Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over.  Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey.  Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING?  Is this really what we want to do?  This is a lot of work for something so unknown.  And then I began to cry.  Dean took me in his arms and said he understood.  He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!)  Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets.  We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been.  So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process.  And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature.  But I didn't - deep sigh - no change.  I know this will take a few months.  I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer.  So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.

The Journey Forward

Today brought new thoughts and feelings as the next steps in this process of trying to create and build onto our family begin.  Hope and patience will be essential.  There is a lot to do and my blogs will follow explaining the task before me.  But there is a conference talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf that keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.  It always lifts me up when the road before me seems so long.  Courage undaunted - the journey of being 40 moves forward.

Faith Takes Us One More Step Forward

So in the last few weeks I have been waiting ever so patiently for results.  It has been so hard to keep my mind busy.  As I have waited for me, our daughter turned 16 years old and life continues to move forward one day at a time. 

Parenting a teenager is difficult enough, but by adding a couple of new factors into the equation - driving and dating - and it makes life even more challenging and prayerful.  So our daughter officially has her drivers license and every time she leaves the house I swear I get one more gray hair added to my head.  I pray in a new way for her each day.  I pray that she will return home safe and I pray that she will make good choices throughout her day.  It is so hard helping to raise these children that I have had the opportunity to parent for such a short time only to turn around to let them go, hoping that someday they will be happy with the choices they have made for themselves.

So now I feel impressed to try to bring a baby into this mix knowing full well what may lie ahead in the teenage years and beyond.  But still I feel that the direction is the right thing.  So the waiting takes on a new meaning.  We received the test results and according to the blood tests, established by modern science, they indicate that I can still try to conceive a child.  This is very good news.  My doctor so patiently looked at me as we discussed different options to move forward.  Her last piece of advise to me was "whatever you do, do it quickly" because she explained that age is very quickly starting to work against me and the concerns about endometriosis will become a moot point as I get older.

So now faith has taken us forward one more step.  We have decided to start acupuncture treatments which will begin tomorrow.  The thing that a blood test can't tell me is the damage that the endometriosis may have done inside of me.  Dean and I are not sure if putting me through surgery again just to find out that my tubes may be blocked is the right direction.  If that is the case that means more surgeries and right now it just doesn't feel right.  That impression may change but for now we both feel what we have done so far is right for us and now we wait again to see if it will work.  Deep down inside there is something telling that if this is going to work for us, we will know in six months.  Maybe it is crazy but that is how I feel about it today.  Faith brought me this far in my life and I know it can take me and my family even further than we ever thought could be possible.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

What Will 40 Bring?

I have almost been avoiding writing on my blog.  In some ways I have had to come to terms with myself.  Last year in January I wrote several different blogs consisting of thoughts about my best friend, motherhood and my list of 39 things to do before I turned 40.  Well I turned 40 last month and physically that has been a challenge - my back went out, my LDL cholesterol went up and almost overnight I gained 15 pounds.  After a routine physical all of the tests showed within a normal range.  My doctor has recommended a new exercise regime and the rest is up to me.  So now it is time for me to take charge of being 40.  Because my list of 39 things kept me focused last year, I have decided to work on a few more goals this year.  My list isn't quite as long but it does have some things that are very close to my heart and soul.  In talking with Dean we agreed that it would be okay to journal my thoughts on the blog  - so here is this years list of goals:

1. Read the Book of Mormon
2. Finish my Personal Progress
3. Volunteer at Monroe Elementary
4. Study for Pioneer Trek
5. Pay off my one credit card
6. Clean out my storage unit
7. Weekend get-a-way with my husband
8. Complete an open water triathlon
9. Learn a new dinner recipe
10. Lower my LDL cholesterol
11. Lose 20 pounds
12. Hike Timp
13. Try to have a baby

I am a firm believer that by putting the hearts desires and personal revelations down in writing it moves those thoughts to a form of action.  In the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite books) it talks about the importance of finding your personal legend.  The author states "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.  You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."  Coelho also states that "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Well my life is definitely a journey and each day is a new learning experience.  It is important to keep propelling my life into a forward motion in order for me to treasure all that has to offer.

So now with a big leap of faith I will move forward into my 40th year of life.  Thomas S. Monson has said that "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time." So going forward it is with faith that I work on this year's list.

One last thing - I love my husband!  He is my best support, my best friend and the balance in my life.  This year he made Valentine's Day so wonderful.  He is the first man to ever send me flowers!  He sent me 3 dozen red roses, took me to dinner and spoiled me all weekend.  How grateful I am that he is in my life!

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning..."

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~~Maria Robinson


So it has be 4 months since I made time to work on my blog. I cannot believe how quickly life has moved in a forward direction. I remember when I was very little (maybe 5 or 6) and it seemed like waiting for Christmas to come (or any special event for that matter) felt like forever. It seemed like time would slow down in an effort to taunt my patience in waiting for those much anticipated moments to arrive. Now that I am older - 40 to be exact - it seems like time moves too quickly and if I blink for too long - well I just might miss something.

In an effort not to miss anything that life was going to give me, last January 17, 2010 - my 39th birthday - I made a list of 39 things to accomplish before I turned 40. Today I reviewed that list and I have successfully completed 25 of those items. There are a few things that I was able to partially complete but I did not count those. So 25 out of 39 that is a 64% completion rate - that's below a D average if you are using a typical grading scale. However I don't feel like the things that I accomplished this past year by myself and with my family and friends equals a D grade. This blog has been a journal of this past year and some of the things that I know I have accomplished are really quite extraordinary for me and my life. Looking at each month I have posted things, I would give myself an A (of course that is the grading scale according to Joelle).

I have tried to take one day at a time focusing on being true to myself, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Then I added in church service and work. Like the quote at the beginning stated, I can't really start a new beginning but I can do things now that will impact the ending of my story. And again the best way that I know how to do that is one day at a time. Moment by moment in the grand eternal plan and being the best that I can be right now.

So here is a quick review of some things that I did not take time to blog about over the past 4 months that were on "The List of 39."

• Seeing a Broadway Play - we took the family to the Lion King when it came to Salt Lake in the fall.
• Planning our family anniversary - Dean and I took the family to Moab for some hiking and rappelling. Oh that was fun.

• Completed a triathlon, attended the symphony, volunteered at the local elementary school, danced with my husband, brewed up some homemade root beer and the list goes on.

Oh it has been a good year - I wouldn't trade all of the good times or tough times for anything. And to top it all off, I spent this last weekend before I turned 40 with just my husband in St. George. It was amazing. We went to the temple, hiked, rappelled, climbed and zip lined. He planned a wonderful stay at Green Gate Village Bed and Breakfast. We had our adventure with Paragon Adventures and went to and learned about the St. George Temple. It was an amazing way to end an extraordinary year! Now on to the next adventures - What to do now that I am 40? What will this next chapter entail?