This is what I know (or don't)...with "5 minutes on the clock please"

You know I have almost dreaded this blog for some reason.  Here I am approaching December and my year is almost up.  What a journey a learning and personal growth but we are still not pregnant.

So now I feel like Drew Barrymore in the movie Never Been Kissed.  If you have seen it you will know what I mean in regard to this analogy.  If you haven't seen it, here is a brief explanation.  So Drew - who plays Josie Keller a character that in high school was never cool or hip, gets to relive her high school experience as an undercover reporter.  There she meets what she feels is the love of her life and just as he is about to walk out she finds a way to try to get him back.  Now I have the love of my life so the analogy is not about that - however one key part at the end of the movie when she is at the baseball field and what appears to be the whole city of Chicago watching to see if her plan to get the man of her dreams back will work.  She asks for "5 minutes on the clock please" and then time slowly counts down - will the man she loves show up for her very first "real" kiss.

"May I have 5 minutes on the clock please?"

Well now my analogy - In regard to getting pregnant, I feel like I have "5 minutes" on my clock and time is ticking by ever so constantly and consistently - as time should.  I have prayed, fasted, and done everything that both Dean and I feel is truly right for us and our home.  We have done everything we felt we can do and now here is what I know and what I have learned from this experience:

• I have learned that doctor's don't know everything.
• I have learned that when I know there are different answers I need to seek them through prayer and let my heart be guided by the spirit.
• I know that I am loved by so many people - my husband, my parents, family and friends and most of all my Father in Heaven.
• I know that there is a reason for everything - but knowing the end of my story will take an eternity.
• I have learned that I have NO CONTROL.
• I have learned that I am still learning patience and probably will be for the rest of my life.
• I know that things work out, they always do - just not in the way we expect.

So now with 5 minutes on my clock I feel as if I am standing here, waiting, wondering and hoping that I can understand what will be the best for me and our home.  We would welcome a baby, we would love a baby but now as time slowly runs out from my perspective - what does my Heavenly Father want for me, our home and our family.  For some reason in January 2011, I felt so strongly impressed to start this journey of trying to have a child.  I thought I was crazy - so crazy.  Dean and I had already been married for two years with no success and we knew that would probably be the case before we got married - however the impression was strong so we decided to press forward - why I will never know (or at least not at this point). 

So now with "5 minutes on the clock" we wait knowing we have done everything we can do - it is in the hands of a higher power.  With faith and courage undaunted we wait.