Waiting is so tough for someone with so little patience...

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." ~~C.S. Lewis~~

In my last blog, I discussed the next procedure in line for me on my journey this year to conceive a child - the HSG.  August 19, 2011 came and Dean took me to the hospital for a procedure that I thought I should cancel at least 5 times.  I just felt like the result would show that my tubes were blocked and that would be the end of trying.  I was afraid and in tears.  I was at my limit with stress and my emotions were up and down like a roller coaster.  I went in for the procedure and it took a bit longer than expected.  The technologist brought Dean back to go over the pictures from the X-Ray.  There was no blockage!  I couldn't believe it - just another miracle in my life.  Dean just held me and I sobbed with relief.   He said "See you need to have faith."

I went home that morning and called my acupuncturist and scheduled my next appointment.  Dean and I decided to move forward with strength doing what we feel is right for our home and family.  I started mapping again and my Clear Blue Easy test came back on day 14 with the smiley face.  All systems go...now I wait.  Oh my there are 31 days in this pattern and they seem to be crawling along ever so slowly.  Are the twinges of pain I feel anything?   How about the occasional cramps and queasy stomach?  How about the irregular fatigue that hits in the late afternoon?  Are these just my mind or is it real?  The mind is so powerful and my heart wants so desperately to have my body understand how to make this work I wonder if I am just making this up?  Sometimes I just don't know what to feel.  And it is just a bit too soon for a home pregnancy test - this I know.  I wish there was a way to tell - I know what I feel in my heart but I have to wait for modern science and my body to confirm.

One other thing I have recently learned, I had no idea I could go online and take quiz after quiz to determine if what I am feeling is the early signs of pregnancy.  They all say the same thing - maybe.  So maybe just maybe - I wait 26 days into this cycle wondering if this will be the month.  But if not - we move forward - I move forward trying to best understand Heavenly Father's will for me and our family.  Courage and faith I wait.