What Are We Doing?

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind.  Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog.  So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways.  Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion).  As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things.  My diet.  So here are the suggested changes:

• Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
• Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
• Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
• Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM!  I really like sugar
• Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
• Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
• No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice.  I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task.  I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen.  I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.'  I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this?  Most of all I am afraid of failure.  How will I feel if this doesn't work? 

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well.  However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband.  Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me.  I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe.  Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped.  Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again.  I dated and dated and then I met my husband.  I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit.  Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over.  Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey.  Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING?  Is this really what we want to do?  This is a lot of work for something so unknown.  And then I began to cry.  Dean took me in his arms and said he understood.  He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!)  Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets.  We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been.  So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process.  And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature.  But I didn't - deep sigh - no change.  I know this will take a few months.  I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer.  So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.