Here I go again...

So I have been thinking - that is always a tricky thing for me.  I often get so lost in my thoughts and then I wind up not knowing where I began.

It has been a while since I blogged anything.   Life has been upside down in our home and when our home is in disarray writing the events of the day is usually the last thing I want to do - who wants to relive the hard moments (not me - I want to learn from them but not relive them.)  But now as I have reflected back on the last year, I have had big learning moments and realizations.  Spending the year trying to get pregnant was exciting at first and then in the hard - still now it brings tears to my eyes wondering about all of the whys.  Why did we feel prompted to try?  Why and how could this be helpful for our home and family?  Why couldn't my body figure out how to conceive a child?  Okay enough of my crying.  Time to move forward - it is still the first of the year and it has been great so far.

January - I got to go home - well the beach - that's home right?  I was born and raised in a land locked state and moved to live by the ocean for 8 years.  That is where I met my lifetime friends and outside of my immediate family - home is where my friends reside.  So I guess I have homes all over the place.  That is a good thing!  Oh I ramble...moving on. (oh the beach and my friends - the best combination of rest and relaxation - with my husband in the mix - well I couldn't ask for more!)

Focus Joelle - this year fitness and well being are the focus of my journey.  It is time to get in shape.  So I have been working on changing my diet and my friend has talked me into joining her "Biggest Loser Party." Sixteen weeks of eating healthy and exercise.  The goal from this date is to lose 20 pounds - 20 POUNDS.  So this all starts on Monday - deep sigh.  In 2011 I lost 15 pounds and now just a few more to go - that is what I keep telling myself.

So I have decided to blog this journey in my life and what losing 20 pounds for me looks and feels like.  Monday, I am going post my "before" picture and my weight.  I am not afraid of that - it is just weight and we all have it right?  I will update my journey as I go.  If for some reason someone feels inspired to leave a comment of inspiration - anytime over the next 16 weeks might be helpful. 

Stay tuned. Here I go again :) 

Waiting is so tough for someone with so little patience...

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." ~~C.S. Lewis~~

In my last blog, I discussed the next procedure in line for me on my journey this year to conceive a child - the HSG.  August 19, 2011 came and Dean took me to the hospital for a procedure that I thought I should cancel at least 5 times.  I just felt like the result would show that my tubes were blocked and that would be the end of trying.  I was afraid and in tears.  I was at my limit with stress and my emotions were up and down like a roller coaster.  I went in for the procedure and it took a bit longer than expected.  The technologist brought Dean back to go over the pictures from the X-Ray.  There was no blockage!  I couldn't believe it - just another miracle in my life.  Dean just held me and I sobbed with relief.   He said "See you need to have faith."

I went home that morning and called my acupuncturist and scheduled my next appointment.  Dean and I decided to move forward with strength doing what we feel is right for our home and family.  I started mapping again and my Clear Blue Easy test came back on day 14 with the smiley face.  All systems go...now I wait.  Oh my there are 31 days in this pattern and they seem to be crawling along ever so slowly.  Are the twinges of pain I feel anything?   How about the occasional cramps and queasy stomach?  How about the irregular fatigue that hits in the late afternoon?  Are these just my mind or is it real?  The mind is so powerful and my heart wants so desperately to have my body understand how to make this work I wonder if I am just making this up?  Sometimes I just don't know what to feel.  And it is just a bit too soon for a home pregnancy test - this I know.  I wish there was a way to tell - I know what I feel in my heart but I have to wait for modern science and my body to confirm.

One other thing I have recently learned, I had no idea I could go online and take quiz after quiz to determine if what I am feeling is the early signs of pregnancy.  They all say the same thing - maybe.  So maybe just maybe - I wait 26 days into this cycle wondering if this will be the month.  But if not - we move forward - I move forward trying to best understand Heavenly Father's will for me and our family.  Courage and faith I wait.

Self Portraits

Dean and I in an Illinois cornfield.  It was 100 degrees outside!



This summer has just gone by way too fast.  Tomorrow is August 1st - I can't believe it.  I made a blog post the first part of July and I had committed to myself to be more active in keeping track of the events this summer.  Hmmm...I am a little behind.  In an effort to catch up, here is a shortened version.  We recently had two major family activities this summer - Mormon Pioneer Trek which was up in Wyoming at Muddy Creek and our family anniversary held a little early this year in Nauvoo, Illinois to see the LDS Church History sites and to visit Grandma and Papa.  I am trying to put together the photo memory books before the summer is over and that is proving to be quite a challenge.  However I thought it would be fun to share a family tradition that we have anytime we go somewhere - it is the family self portrait.  When we are at a location that we like, our family squeezes together as tight as we can get - and then one person will extend their arm with camera in hand and snap a picture trying to incorporate the family and as much of the background as possible.  It works really well when we get everything in one shot.  However - sometimes it takes a few tries and being that tight and close after ten or so tries - well let's just say the family love begins to lessen just a bit.  But we survive and the memories are great.  Here are a few of my favorite shots from our recent adventures...



Here we are at the Nauvoo, Il LDS Temple






Modeling our Prairie Diamonds from the
Nauvoo Blacksmith shop.

  

It's 9:00am and we are at the end of the Trail of Hope (tears) on the Mississippi River.
It is 95 degrees outside and it looks like it may be a bit too early in the morning for a self portrait with teenagers!



Self Portrait at the St. Louis Archway - and yes it is 95 degrees at 9:00am. 
This picture is after seven tries! We finally got one I liked!




Inside the Archway
waiting for our ride down







Here are a few more pictures to catch up with our summer events.  These bring back fun memories even though it was a short time ago!



Mormon Pioneer Trek - Muddy Creek Wyoming in June 2011



Kiss Me Dirty Mud Run girls only - July 2, 2011






C'mon how about a kiss?

  

We had to find a way to include the boys too! :)






One of my favorites - Dean and I as we look at the Mississippi River at the St. Louis Archway. 
A nice way to end the trip!

 There is a review of summer 2011 so far.  It has been fun and filled with a lot to do!  Hopefully I will be able to update things a bit more frequently now as we move into fall.

Catherine's Pass - Item 21 on the List

As the year progresses forward, I am slowly working my way down "the list." With each adventure, I find myself including family and friends into this journey - I love the company so I hope they don't mind that I drag them along for the ride.

The latest adventure was number 21 on "the list"- meaning that I was to hike from Big Cottonwood Canyon over to Little Cottonwood Canyon. For some reason climbing over a canyon seemed like such a daunting task that I wanted to be prepared. So as a family we have been taking practice hikes on the weekends. We have hiked up to Rocky Mouth Water Fall, Red Butte Peak, Titus Lake and Neff's Canyon. Last Saturday, my family, my brother and sister-in-law and Dean's brother and sister-in-law started out in the Albion Basin in Little Cottonwood Canyon.

What a beautiful hike . This area has such a history - according to the book 60 Hikes within 60 Miles it states the following:

"Silver mining brought William Stuart Brighton to the upper bowl of Big Cottonwood Canyon in the 1870s. But he soon realized that a better living could be made feeding and housing miners than in actually mining silver. After spending three summers in a tent, he built a hotel in 1874 near the shores of Silver Lake and soon developed the area into a popular mountain resort. His wife, Catherine, would serve the trout she had caught in Silver Lake with hot buttermilk biscuits. Big Cottonwood's upper bowl contains a beautiful chain of glacial lakes cascading down the southern side. In a fitting tribute, William Brighton named the jewel of the upper Big Cottonwood Canyon after his wife. Lake Catherine is a perfectly inviting place for a rest or a relaxing afternoon."

For our hiking adventure, the morning was cool and beautiful - perfect trekking weather. The wildflowers were in full bloom. The hike was a gradual uphill with a series of switch backs. Rounding corner after corner until we finally made it to the mountain's saddle and our first view of Catherine lake. Wow. Deciding to extend our hike slightly, we started up to Sunset Peak (10, 684 feet). This was a steeper incline and I was wondering if I could make the trek. I am so glad that I pushed up the mountain, as the views were amazing - we could see all of the valleys and the cascading lakes. It was worth the extra time and climb to see the world from this vantage point.

Going down through the lakes and making our decent into Big Cottonwood Canyon was wonderful. A cool mountain breeze and wildflowers as far as the eye could see. How thankful I am to have the health and strength to enjoy the wonders of this beautiful world that our Heavenly Father has created.

Am I The Right Height For This?

There is a common sign in most theme parks that clearly states at the beginning of each ride: "You must be this tall to ride the ride." I remember when I was younger, so much younger, waiting for the day that I would be the right height for any ride in any theme park. Well that day did come and now I am going to change that common phrase up a bit and ask: "Is this ride the appropriate height for me?"

The other day Dean and I had the opportunity to go to Lagoon - our local theme park. It brought back many nostalgic memories of our younger years of the rides that we had to be brave or daring to ride as well as the old traditional standby rides like the bumper cars or the merry-go-round. As we were discussing the "Big White Roller Coaster" and the Jet Star we felt like we should take the opportunity to brave those rides once again. Well let me just say - one go on the Jet Star and that really twisted my equilibrium around. Dean felt the same way. But we had to take on the "Big White Roller Coaster" or at least we felt we could handle it. One ride on that rickety thing and we were both out of commission for the rest of the night.

What happened to the days that we could go on the fast, crazy and popular rides over and over without getting our stomachs tied in knots? I remember taking pride in riding the Jet Star enough times that I would lose count on two hands as well as other big and fast coasters. Not now. Now am the parent who takes it easy, does some people watching and a nice mellow go around on the terror ride. Our children on the other hand were in heaven taking on the new and crazy coasters of today, the Spider or Wicked or Samurai over and over until they had had their fill of this insanity. So now I ask: Am I too old to ride these crazy rides? Does age take this kind of fun away? Or does the level of fun change with age? I must say it was rather fun for me to enjoy the theme park from a new perspective - that of my children. Watching them have fun and begging to stay until the park closed. That was fun.

Dean and I did have fun - we did all of the things that we never did when we were younger and you know what - I had a wonderful time. I am learning to enjoy the subtle changes that come with age. But sometimes there are changes I never expected to come like losing the ability to ride amusement park rides. So now instead of asking if I am the appropriate height for a ride, I ask myself is this ride the appropriate height for me?

Number 18 - Snowshoeing

Snowshoeing - I wasn't sure what to expect. But for my birthday, Dean and I decided that it might be a really good family activity. January 16th (the day before my birthday) would be a good day to go up to the mountains to give this potential sport a try. The Salt Lake Valley had been trapped in a horrible gray inversion all week long and we had been stuck in the gray and freezing temperatures for far too long. So we packed up the children and headed to the Solitude Nordic Center up Big Cottonwood Canyon.

When we arrived we were fitted with gators and snowshoes. I thought wearing these shoes designed to walk on the snow would feel like tennis racquets or boards strapped to my feet - I just wasn't sure what to expect. Surprisingly, the snowshoes didn't really feel quite as awkward as I thought it would or should be. After being strapped into the gear, the clan headed out to try the 1 mile loop.

To describe the day - it was spectacular - the sun was shining and the sky was blue. BLUE SKY - We hadn't seen blue sky filled with sunshine in such a long time - oh it felt so good on my face. The temperature was about 45 degrees Fahrenheit which as about 15 degrees warmer than down in the city that we had left behind for the day. It was the perfect day to try this activity.

As we headed out, it was fairly easy getting around. Through the trees and over the hills. We even tried deep powder snow and did not sink too far. Wow - this was fun and easy. I kept telling Dean I would love to invest in this sport. It is some good exercise, fresh air and great scenery!

After our first try, we walked back and met our guide who introduced us to the area, explaining trees, wildlife and different points of interest. She even explained about a white weasel and a moose that often frequent the area. The weasel and moose did not make an appearance for my day in the outdoors - so now we have a quest to go and find these to illusive creatures on a different day and a different adventure.

There was just one thing that I didn't expect - I had a mean back splash from my snowshoes. With every step, snow was being kicked up my backside. But I was not the only one experiencing this - my daughter did as well. We were soaked by the time we were done. People who saw us thought that we had purposely sat in the snow or wet our pants. The boys didn't have a problem. We did have different snowshoes from the boys. When we walk we also drag our feet and so we kept trying to try different stepping techniques but nothing really seemed to help. Whatever the cause was for backside full of snow, we both knew that it felt good to change out of our wet clothes.

It was a great day and a great birthday present! I really enjoyed this sport and look forward to trying this adventure again.

Motherhood

I have been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. Being a mother happened very suddenly in my life and for the last year and a half I have learned a lot. However, that hasn't even scratched the surface of what parental learning experiences I know are quietly waiting out in the wings ever so patiently for me to be prepared so that they may enter my life puzzle at just the right moment.

First of all let me say love is an amazing thing. And it wasn't until I got married and added more family into my life, that I realized how truly strong this emotion can be for me. Here is a story that might explain it better. In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. During the laproscopic surgery, the doctor identified that I had a very severe case. I was told that unless I went on a somewhat experimental drug, that I probably would never have children. Well I researched, studied, fasted and prayed and determined that drug was not right for my life. I felt, and still feel, that I needed to do what would work for me in order to maintain my health. I decided that if I wouldn't be able to give birth to children that I would be as healthy as I could in order to care for the children who may surround my life. I was single then, I only had one nephew and I had come to terms with my health and the decision I felt was right for my life. I guess if I had to, I could live with the fact that I may never have children of my own. So I pressed forward and really health wise I have been doing so well. It has been 5 years and I feel healthier than before the surgery.

However, now that I am married, love has taken on a new dimension for me. I now am a mother (or substitute mother) for three teenagers. Yes that's right - out of the frying pan and into the fire as some would say. Our children are 17, 14, and 13. Their mother was sick for a very long time and has since passed away. I am here to pick up where she left off. Dean and I have worked very hard to make sure the children see life continue not end and start over. So we have left all of the pictures on the walls in our home and we are slowly adding our new pictures - it is a process of building. I love my husband so much and that love seems to spill over to my children. There are times that parenting is so challenging that I don't know how we are going to make it one more day. But that crazy, strong and ever enduring emotion of love seems to carry us through. It amazes me.

However, being married has added another dimension of love that I didn't even know existed - wow. I often wish that my circumstances were different, that my health would cooperate and that I would be able to give birth to a little piece of me and little piece of Dean. That amazing bond of love and that desire to carry it forward oftentimes feels so powerful. I know that desired part of my life probably will never come to pass - or at least in the way I thought piece should fit into my puzzle. So now I take the "new" piece I have been gifted with and fit it into it's place in my life.

I love my family all of them, my husband, my children, my parents, brothers, sisters and yes the newly added amazing trio (ages 5, 3, and 1). I even love the dog and yes that cat (that doesn't mean he can come into my room - but I will still feed him treats when nobody is looking).