Baby Ducks

The other night Dean and I were driving down a very busy construction filled street for our weekly date.  We had had several difficult weeks at home with our teenagers.  Well, to be honest several difficult months -hence the reason I haven't blogged for a while.  So now that we had some time to ourselves, we were simply sitting in silence in the car.  The traffic light had turned red and I was lost in my thoughts trying to figure out how things had gone so far off course in our home.  Sitting there, I looked up and noticed a mother duck trying to get her babies across seven different lanes of traffic.  Since our car had just come to a stop, she decided to cross right in front of us.  My heart panicked for her knowing she needed to make it across the street with her brood.  In a split second I went to jump out of the car but I froze as the light turned green.  Dean rolled down the window and got oncoming cars to stop - she made it across half of the busy construction filled road and had halfway to go without our help.  Our car didn't move and neither did the car next to us.  This brave mother duck waddled on with her children following closely behind.  Cars stopped quickly on the other side of the road when they realized this small family was working so frantically to get across the street.  What played out in just a matter of seconds - sure felt like an eternity as we waited to ensure the safe passage of this small group.  They made it!  Oh relief, tears welled up in my eyes,my racing heart began to relax and we drove on to our destination.

Lost in my thoughts again, I realized that I am like that mother duck.  I didn't have the opportunity to raise my children when they were young and now as they begin to spread their wings and learn to take flight I find myself doing everything possible to make sure they know how to cross the very busy street of life.  I am dependant on others around me (God, family, ward members and good friends) to help guide my children safely through the worldly construction.  Sometimes I can't do it alone - in fact I am sure that's the way our Heavenly Father planned it.  I need God in my life, I need the guidance as I navigate across the "busy road."  My children need him as well.  It is so hard watching my children grow, struggle and learn.  As they struggle, I struggle.  I want so bad to shelter them from the storm.  I can't always do that and I have to have faith they will remember what they have been taught, make good choices and always be surrounded by the everyday people and things that will help them cross the busy street.

Life has settled down in our home again.  Our children have had some marvelous experiences in the past few weeks and I am grateful.  I pray that they will continue to have a desire to choose good things that make them happy.

Now on getting pregnant.  Well with all of the chaos in our home, Dean and I decided to focus on our teenagers - not on getting pregnant.  So acupuncture and temperature reading were put on hold.  To be honest, my teenagers are making me really question having a child.  Parenting teens is emotionally draining and frankly I am not sure I am up for round two.  So we are trying to decide what our next step will be in this process.  We are looking at getting July behind us and then we will determine which way to go on this journey.

The Journey Forward

Today brought new thoughts and feelings as the next steps in this process of trying to create and build onto our family begin.  Hope and patience will be essential.  There is a lot to do and my blogs will follow explaining the task before me.  But there is a conference talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf that keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.  It always lifts me up when the road before me seems so long.  Courage undaunted - the journey of being 40 moves forward.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

What Will 40 Bring?

I have almost been avoiding writing on my blog.  In some ways I have had to come to terms with myself.  Last year in January I wrote several different blogs consisting of thoughts about my best friend, motherhood and my list of 39 things to do before I turned 40.  Well I turned 40 last month and physically that has been a challenge - my back went out, my LDL cholesterol went up and almost overnight I gained 15 pounds.  After a routine physical all of the tests showed within a normal range.  My doctor has recommended a new exercise regime and the rest is up to me.  So now it is time for me to take charge of being 40.  Because my list of 39 things kept me focused last year, I have decided to work on a few more goals this year.  My list isn't quite as long but it does have some things that are very close to my heart and soul.  In talking with Dean we agreed that it would be okay to journal my thoughts on the blog  - so here is this years list of goals:

1. Read the Book of Mormon
2. Finish my Personal Progress
3. Volunteer at Monroe Elementary
4. Study for Pioneer Trek
5. Pay off my one credit card
6. Clean out my storage unit
7. Weekend get-a-way with my husband
8. Complete an open water triathlon
9. Learn a new dinner recipe
10. Lower my LDL cholesterol
11. Lose 20 pounds
12. Hike Timp
13. Try to have a baby

I am a firm believer that by putting the hearts desires and personal revelations down in writing it moves those thoughts to a form of action.  In the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite books) it talks about the importance of finding your personal legend.  The author states "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.  You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."  Coelho also states that "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Well my life is definitely a journey and each day is a new learning experience.  It is important to keep propelling my life into a forward motion in order for me to treasure all that has to offer.

So now with a big leap of faith I will move forward into my 40th year of life.  Thomas S. Monson has said that "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time." So going forward it is with faith that I work on this year's list.

One last thing - I love my husband!  He is my best support, my best friend and the balance in my life.  This year he made Valentine's Day so wonderful.  He is the first man to ever send me flowers!  He sent me 3 dozen red roses, took me to dinner and spoiled me all weekend.  How grateful I am that he is in my life!