How do you say that word?

Normally I add a picture about the topic I am writing about
however I don't have a good picture for today's topic.  So
I added this picture from Pioneer Trek of my wonderful husband

So as we move forward trying to expand our family, we made the decision that I would have a HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG).  A what? Can you pronounce that for me?  So one question that I have had all along is how much damage has been done because of the endometriosis.  I had hoped that something would happen pregnancy wise before it came to this step, but it hasn't and we are not pregnant yet.  So I went to see a specialist. Deep sigh, pause and as I suspected all along, yes I am definitely the root cause of the problem. The specialist had a few suggestions and the HSG was a starting point.  So next week I get to go in for this procedure - an x-ray exam to determine if everything is the right shape and size and to identify if there is any blockage.   I am nervous.  This test has such a potential finality to it - depending on what the results show this may bring trying to get pregnant to an end.  I mean seriously I am 40 years old.  I didn't get married until I was 37 and so the proverbial clock is ticking and not really in my favor.  So I am worried.  My sweet husband says that I should stop worrying over things that I don't have any control over.  He is right but often that is easier said than done.  So now I wait again until next Friday.  I am trying hard to have faith that I can accept and understand what plan our Heavenly Father has for our family - whatever the test results show.  For me this is a very big leap of faith and hope that I made the choices I was supposed to years ago in regard to my health.  Life is about learning and this is another step in the process.

Now on a frustrating side note - I called my insurance to make sure this very baseline procedure would be covered.  However I learned that fertility is an elective process. So if I can get pregnant fertility no longer becomes an option but a standard process that has to be taken care of because I would be carrying another person inside of me. So because I can't get pregnant, like I personally chose that option, fertility or testing for infertility becomes an elective procedure and insurance companies are not really willing to pay for elective procedures.   I found out that my insurer will only pay 50% of the procedure up to $1500 per year with a lifetime max benefit of $5000.  I also learned that each hospital has a different cost for the procedure I need done.  Since my physician is paneled at several hospitals - I went shopping for the lowest rate.  Oh my this feels very backward but at this point I guess it is what I have to do in order to get this test done.  Wow I am learning a lot by not being fertile.   My bigger question is who defined this process as elective?  It makes me feel like the infertility procedure is being compared to a tummy tuck or breast augmentation.  I would really like to chat with them about that potentially inequitable comparison in health care.  Hmmm....well that's all for now, waiting, faith and courage...we move forward.

Keeping Busy

It has been a month since I posted an update on this 2011 journey.   Spring has been very interesting one minute there is sunshine and 70 degree temperatures and the next day we could wake up with 4 inches of snow.  It is crazy.  I am ready for spring.  I am ready to work in my garden and dig in the dirt.  Just ready for sunshine.  Oh how I long for the sun and the warmth that it brings.

In the last blog I discussed my concerns about having a child.  I still have

 concerns but I have settled into the process of trying.  I wake up every morning and before I barely move, I take my temperature.  I log it and then I look for any changes.  I really feel more in tune with my body than ever before.  I never realized.  I am continuing with acupuncture, daily vitamins and supplements and now Chinese herbs.  I am not pregnant yet but I feel great - better than I have felt in a very long time!  It is amazing.

One of the other things that have I had to make the decision to change is my eating habits.  No dairy, no wheat and no refined sugar.  So what is a girl with a sweet tooth to do?  Well I have buried myself in the kitchen.  Trying recipes and experimenting.  My family has been the testing zone.  Some things have been a success and others - well big flops.  My first success was from the the Spunky Coconut is was the Spunky Coconut Vanilla Bean Cake recipe. My family loved that cake and did not have a clue what the ingredients were in the recipe.  The secret - cooked white beans.  When I told them - jaws dropped but they continued to eat it.  Sam even had two pieces.  Now that I have made changes in my diet, spent so much time cooking and tasting - the amazing thing is that I am down 10 pounds from Christmas.  I am still 10 pounds to go to hit my goal but I feel amazing!

Last thing - Dean and I just finished our first half marathon for the year and we completed it with one of our best times in our half marathon career.  I followed a combination of running and walking and finished in 2 hours and 32 minutes.  Yeah!!!  The most amazing thing I wasn't sore the next day.  I felt great.  I had energy.  I can't wait until our next race in a month.  In fact my children are excited about being active.  In fact I talked my daughter into doing the Dirty Girl Run.  We are a relay team and we will each be taking 2 miles through mud obstacles dressed as divas!  We are looking forward to that event in July. The site is Dirty Girl Run - check it out!

Faith Takes Us One More Step Forward

So in the last few weeks I have been waiting ever so patiently for results.  It has been so hard to keep my mind busy.  As I have waited for me, our daughter turned 16 years old and life continues to move forward one day at a time. 

Parenting a teenager is difficult enough, but by adding a couple of new factors into the equation - driving and dating - and it makes life even more challenging and prayerful.  So our daughter officially has her drivers license and every time she leaves the house I swear I get one more gray hair added to my head.  I pray in a new way for her each day.  I pray that she will return home safe and I pray that she will make good choices throughout her day.  It is so hard helping to raise these children that I have had the opportunity to parent for such a short time only to turn around to let them go, hoping that someday they will be happy with the choices they have made for themselves.

So now I feel impressed to try to bring a baby into this mix knowing full well what may lie ahead in the teenage years and beyond.  But still I feel that the direction is the right thing.  So the waiting takes on a new meaning.  We received the test results and according to the blood tests, established by modern science, they indicate that I can still try to conceive a child.  This is very good news.  My doctor so patiently looked at me as we discussed different options to move forward.  Her last piece of advise to me was "whatever you do, do it quickly" because she explained that age is very quickly starting to work against me and the concerns about endometriosis will become a moot point as I get older.

So now faith has taken us forward one more step.  We have decided to start acupuncture treatments which will begin tomorrow.  The thing that a blood test can't tell me is the damage that the endometriosis may have done inside of me.  Dean and I are not sure if putting me through surgery again just to find out that my tubes may be blocked is the right direction.  If that is the case that means more surgeries and right now it just doesn't feel right.  That impression may change but for now we both feel what we have done so far is right for us and now we wait again to see if it will work.  Deep down inside there is something telling that if this is going to work for us, we will know in six months.  Maybe it is crazy but that is how I feel about it today.  Faith brought me this far in my life and I know it can take me and my family even further than we ever thought could be possible.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

Motherhood

I have been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. Being a mother happened very suddenly in my life and for the last year and a half I have learned a lot. However, that hasn't even scratched the surface of what parental learning experiences I know are quietly waiting out in the wings ever so patiently for me to be prepared so that they may enter my life puzzle at just the right moment.

First of all let me say love is an amazing thing. And it wasn't until I got married and added more family into my life, that I realized how truly strong this emotion can be for me. Here is a story that might explain it better. In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. During the laproscopic surgery, the doctor identified that I had a very severe case. I was told that unless I went on a somewhat experimental drug, that I probably would never have children. Well I researched, studied, fasted and prayed and determined that drug was not right for my life. I felt, and still feel, that I needed to do what would work for me in order to maintain my health. I decided that if I wouldn't be able to give birth to children that I would be as healthy as I could in order to care for the children who may surround my life. I was single then, I only had one nephew and I had come to terms with my health and the decision I felt was right for my life. I guess if I had to, I could live with the fact that I may never have children of my own. So I pressed forward and really health wise I have been doing so well. It has been 5 years and I feel healthier than before the surgery.

However, now that I am married, love has taken on a new dimension for me. I now am a mother (or substitute mother) for three teenagers. Yes that's right - out of the frying pan and into the fire as some would say. Our children are 17, 14, and 13. Their mother was sick for a very long time and has since passed away. I am here to pick up where she left off. Dean and I have worked very hard to make sure the children see life continue not end and start over. So we have left all of the pictures on the walls in our home and we are slowly adding our new pictures - it is a process of building. I love my husband so much and that love seems to spill over to my children. There are times that parenting is so challenging that I don't know how we are going to make it one more day. But that crazy, strong and ever enduring emotion of love seems to carry us through. It amazes me.

However, being married has added another dimension of love that I didn't even know existed - wow. I often wish that my circumstances were different, that my health would cooperate and that I would be able to give birth to a little piece of me and little piece of Dean. That amazing bond of love and that desire to carry it forward oftentimes feels so powerful. I know that desired part of my life probably will never come to pass - or at least in the way I thought piece should fit into my puzzle. So now I take the "new" piece I have been gifted with and fit it into it's place in my life.

I love my family all of them, my husband, my children, my parents, brothers, sisters and yes the newly added amazing trio (ages 5, 3, and 1). I even love the dog and yes that cat (that doesn't mean he can come into my room - but I will still feed him treats when nobody is looking).