So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog. So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways. Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion). As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things. My diet. So here are the suggested changes:
- Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
- Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
- Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
- Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM! I really like sugar
- Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
- Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
- No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.
Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task. I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen. I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.' I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this? Most of all I am afraid of failure. How will I feel if this doesn't work?
I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well. However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband. Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me. I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe. Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped. Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again. I dated and dated and then I met my husband. I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit. Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over. Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey. Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.
So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING? Is this really what we want to do? This is a lot of work for something so unknown. And then I began to cry. Dean took me in his arms and said he understood. He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!) Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets. We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been. So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process. And we move forward.
Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature. But I didn't - deep sigh - no change. I know this will take a few months. I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer. So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.
