Here I go again...

So I have been thinking - that is always a tricky thing for me.  I often get so lost in my thoughts and then I wind up not knowing where I began.

It has been a while since I blogged anything.   Life has been upside down in our home and when our home is in disarray writing the events of the day is usually the last thing I want to do - who wants to relive the hard moments (not me - I want to learn from them but not relive them.)  But now as I have reflected back on the last year, I have had big learning moments and realizations.  Spending the year trying to get pregnant was exciting at first and then in the hard - still now it brings tears to my eyes wondering about all of the whys.  Why did we feel prompted to try?  Why and how could this be helpful for our home and family?  Why couldn't my body figure out how to conceive a child?  Okay enough of my crying.  Time to move forward - it is still the first of the year and it has been great so far.

January - I got to go home - well the beach - that's home right?  I was born and raised in a land locked state and moved to live by the ocean for 8 years.  That is where I met my lifetime friends and outside of my immediate family - home is where my friends reside.  So I guess I have homes all over the place.  That is a good thing!  Oh I ramble...moving on. (oh the beach and my friends - the best combination of rest and relaxation - with my husband in the mix - well I couldn't ask for more!)

Focus Joelle - this year fitness and well being are the focus of my journey.  It is time to get in shape.  So I have been working on changing my diet and my friend has talked me into joining her "Biggest Loser Party." Sixteen weeks of eating healthy and exercise.  The goal from this date is to lose 20 pounds - 20 POUNDS.  So this all starts on Monday - deep sigh.  In 2011 I lost 15 pounds and now just a few more to go - that is what I keep telling myself.

So I have decided to blog this journey in my life and what losing 20 pounds for me looks and feels like.  Monday, I am going post my "before" picture and my weight.  I am not afraid of that - it is just weight and we all have it right?  I will update my journey as I go.  If for some reason someone feels inspired to leave a comment of inspiration - anytime over the next 16 weeks might be helpful. 

Stay tuned. Here I go again :) 

What Are We Doing?

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind.  Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog.  So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways.  Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion).  As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things.  My diet.  So here are the suggested changes:

• Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
• Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
• Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
• Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM!  I really like sugar
• Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
• Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
• No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice.  I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task.  I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen.  I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.'  I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this?  Most of all I am afraid of failure.  How will I feel if this doesn't work? 

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well.  However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband.  Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me.  I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe.  Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped.  Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again.  I dated and dated and then I met my husband.  I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit.  Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over.  Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey.  Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING?  Is this really what we want to do?  This is a lot of work for something so unknown.  And then I began to cry.  Dean took me in his arms and said he understood.  He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!)  Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets.  We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been.  So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process.  And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature.  But I didn't - deep sigh - no change.  I know this will take a few months.  I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer.  So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

It Does Not Do to Dwell on Dreams and Forget to Live ~ Albus Dumbledore

August has been a very busy month and this last Saturday was no exception to the standard. Early Saturday morning, Dean and I finished our third half marathon for the year - the Hobblecreek Half Marathon. It was a lovely run and beautiful scenery. To top it off, it was the best run of the year as half marathons go. In looking at my list of "39 Things" I have now surpassed my original goal to take 5 minutes off of my best half marathon time and I have taken 10 minutes off of my best time established prior to 2010. It was a wonderful feeling - I couldn't believe it. It was a good finish for both of us.

As we were driving home, I received a call. Realize, Dean and I have just both finished a 13.1 mile race in the heat - so we are hot, smelly and tired. The sound of taking on anything other than a nice cool shower just wasn't in our thought process. But my mind was quickly changed when I saw the call was coming from Birdman Academy (http://www.birdmanacademy.net/). The winds were perfect and it was time to hang glide (item 6 on "The 39 Things List"). Dean insisted that we could be there in 20 minutes. Going home first was not an option. So the second adventure of the day was about to "take flight."

We got to the flight location, I signed all of the proper release forms, received my 30 day license with the USHGPA and had a quick 20 minute instruction period. After that it was time to soar!




All I was supposed to do was - step, step, run, run, run. I was instructed to just keep running until the wind lifted us. As I was being strapped to the hang glider, the wind was so strong I could hardly hold my balance. In fact it took four grown men to hold the glider down. I asked my tandem instructor how I was supposed to engage in the step and run process he had taught me. He looked and me said "Don't worry we won't need that."




Sure enough the four men let go and with one step we were up!!! Looking around me I could see that I was truly soaring with the hawks at their level. We could see as these birds of prey entered a thermal, my tandem instructor would explain that we would enter that thermal as well. And sure enough, just like the magnificent birds of prey, we also experienced the up and down dip like a roller coaster without gravity holding me down - each time gaining a little more loft and continuous flight. The view was amazing. My ground crew suddenly looked like little ants on the hill side. It felt like I could see for miles.



I have been sky diving. But hang gliding and sky diving are very different. The ability to soar and glide with the birds was a new feeling and level of control. "We live in a wonderful world that is full beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open." ~~Jawaharlal Nehru

Thanks to all of the staff of the Birdman Academy and my husband for a wonderful adventure!

Am I The Right Height For This?

There is a common sign in most theme parks that clearly states at the beginning of each ride: "You must be this tall to ride the ride." I remember when I was younger, so much younger, waiting for the day that I would be the right height for any ride in any theme park. Well that day did come and now I am going to change that common phrase up a bit and ask: "Is this ride the appropriate height for me?"

The other day Dean and I had the opportunity to go to Lagoon - our local theme park. It brought back many nostalgic memories of our younger years of the rides that we had to be brave or daring to ride as well as the old traditional standby rides like the bumper cars or the merry-go-round. As we were discussing the "Big White Roller Coaster" and the Jet Star we felt like we should take the opportunity to brave those rides once again. Well let me just say - one go on the Jet Star and that really twisted my equilibrium around. Dean felt the same way. But we had to take on the "Big White Roller Coaster" or at least we felt we could handle it. One ride on that rickety thing and we were both out of commission for the rest of the night.

What happened to the days that we could go on the fast, crazy and popular rides over and over without getting our stomachs tied in knots? I remember taking pride in riding the Jet Star enough times that I would lose count on two hands as well as other big and fast coasters. Not now. Now am the parent who takes it easy, does some people watching and a nice mellow go around on the terror ride. Our children on the other hand were in heaven taking on the new and crazy coasters of today, the Spider or Wicked or Samurai over and over until they had had their fill of this insanity. So now I ask: Am I too old to ride these crazy rides? Does age take this kind of fun away? Or does the level of fun change with age? I must say it was rather fun for me to enjoy the theme park from a new perspective - that of my children. Watching them have fun and begging to stay until the park closed. That was fun.

Dean and I did have fun - we did all of the things that we never did when we were younger and you know what - I had a wonderful time. I am learning to enjoy the subtle changes that come with age. But sometimes there are changes I never expected to come like losing the ability to ride amusement park rides. So now instead of asking if I am the appropriate height for a ride, I ask myself is this ride the appropriate height for me?

Number 2 - Chile

It is early in the morning on February 6, 2010 and the airplane that we are riding - Delta's Boeing 767 - is making a very smooth decent into Santiago, Chile. Dean and I slept as well as we could on the plane but trying to get some good "shut eye" while flying tends to be a talent that neither he or I have yet to master.

After waiting for our luggage and having a slight delay clearing the agriculture portion of customs (for some reason I decided to declare a bag of trail mix. It was sealed and purchased at an appropriate location but something inside me said to declare it. I had to fill out new forms and that held us up for another 10 minutes - oh well. At this point in the trip speaking Spanish in any form would be very helpful - but we press forward not looking back at that minor missed detail) we made it through the Santiago Airport. We were greeted by our wonderful friends who had willingly volunteered to cart us around Santiago. We have been so grateful for their hospitality as we climatize to this place. We will be forever thankful for their sacrifice!

It is summertime in Chile, the air is warm and there is sunshine! The city has a lot of smog but you can still see the sun and blue sky. The flowers are blooming and the trees are just beautiful.

After a wonderful breakfast we headed out into the city. We started at a fruit and vegetable market. WOW the size of the produce is unbelievable. I could not believe what we were seeing, grapes, strawberries, cherries, two different types of corn and so many other things! There was also a small fish market at the end with so many kinds of fish! I loved seeing the market, the people and just being in the city. We then went to Los Dominicos a market where artisan crafts and clothes are sold. Also lapis lazuli is a big item as this stone is only mined two places in the world - Chile being one of the places. We finished the day at Cerro San Cristobal one of the highest points in the city - which today offered spectacular views. At the top is a 22m high statue of the Virgen del la Inmaculada Concepcion.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

In my opinion, today has been worth every penny we paid for the trip to Chile. When I booked the trip - I simply knew that Dean had served his LDS mission in Santiago Chile I had no idea the exact dates that he was in the city. As Dean prepared for the trip, by scanning and copying all of his letters and journal entries, he realized that our visit to Chile would be exactly 30 years to the day that he first arrived in the country. Our friends took us to Dean's last mission area San Bernado to go to church. To start nothing really looked familar to Dean. But the ward was wonderful, testimonies were thoughtful and the saints were very kind. After the sacrament meeting, there was a gentleman that Dean thought he knew - after speaking with this Brother, Dean realized that he was the first counselor in the Bishopric in the area that he was in.

Relief Society was a joy. The sisters were very kind and as each bore their testimony I could feel their spirits so strong without truly understanding most of what they were saying. As we left each of the sisters said good bye with a kiss on the cheek. It was very touching for me to realize that going to church is the same anywhere in the world. The lessons are the same and the spirit of the people loving and kind. We had the opportunity to stay for a baptism - just adding to the spirit of the day.

After church, we drove to another ward in San Bernardo and now the scenery was beginning to look familar to Dean. We found the building - this was the ward that Dean served in. It has been updated but it is the same place from 30 years ago. After speaking with the Bishop we found out that he was baptized the day President Spencer W. Kimball was in Chile to dedicate the land were the Santiago Temple in now built. We left and drove around and found an area where Dean would play basketball on P-Day and show and teach magic tricks to the local children and play NERF football with them as well - Dean called it cultivating.

Since the time that we left church today, Dean has researched more in his journals and he has realized that the Bishop we met today at the second building is probably the boy he baptized on May 30, 1981 - the same day the site was dedicated for building the temple. We did not get the bishop's name so we are back tracking to see if this is indeed the person from the family Dean baptized that day. What an exciting moment!

Tomorrow it is on to Punta Arenas as our adventure continues!

The Best Friend

I am not great at introductions so I will cut the formality and just say that I am Joelle and I am about to embark on the 39th year of my life and for some reason I feel that this is a monumental year in my life history for me and my family. So here I go and let the adventure begin.

Since 2008, my life puzzle had a few more pieces fit into place. Some may call it fate or luck but I call it destiny. It's that thing that says, whatever things may be in life, are supposed to happen for a reason. So life decided to introduce me to my best friend and now my husband - Dean. It's funny how a series of events that started several years before we met, brought us together at just the right moment in time. After being single for so long, I had tried to convince myself that I didn't need "another half" in my life. I think, for the most part, that I am a strong and independent woman who likes adventure and carries a streak of stubborn in me as well. The "marriage/boyfriend piece" hadn't found its way into my puzzle. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to meet someone and eventually get married but life just kept giving me one adventure after another. And honestly, the puzzle pieces didn't (and sometimes still don't) always fall into place the way I think they should.

But Dean was and is my balance in life. He let me be me - run as fast as I wanted, do what I needed to do - and all the while - he patiently wrapped himself into my life. He added to my adventure, step by step and moment by moment until I finally expressed to him "I don't think I want to go solo anymore."

How grateful I am for him! I love him for so many reasons that I have lost count now. He has been one of my biggest supporters in this part of my life! And now as I turn 39, he has helped me to develop a list of 39 things to do in the year 2010. I am going to post the list on my birthday (in a few days) and over the next year this blog will journal my life, my family and that list.