Waiting is so tough for someone with so little patience...

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." ~~C.S. Lewis~~

In my last blog, I discussed the next procedure in line for me on my journey this year to conceive a child - the HSG.  August 19, 2011 came and Dean took me to the hospital for a procedure that I thought I should cancel at least 5 times.  I just felt like the result would show that my tubes were blocked and that would be the end of trying.  I was afraid and in tears.  I was at my limit with stress and my emotions were up and down like a roller coaster.  I went in for the procedure and it took a bit longer than expected.  The technologist brought Dean back to go over the pictures from the X-Ray.  There was no blockage!  I couldn't believe it - just another miracle in my life.  Dean just held me and I sobbed with relief.   He said "See you need to have faith."

I went home that morning and called my acupuncturist and scheduled my next appointment.  Dean and I decided to move forward with strength doing what we feel is right for our home and family.  I started mapping again and my Clear Blue Easy test came back on day 14 with the smiley face.  All systems go...now I wait.  Oh my there are 31 days in this pattern and they seem to be crawling along ever so slowly.  Are the twinges of pain I feel anything?   How about the occasional cramps and queasy stomach?  How about the irregular fatigue that hits in the late afternoon?  Are these just my mind or is it real?  The mind is so powerful and my heart wants so desperately to have my body understand how to make this work I wonder if I am just making this up?  Sometimes I just don't know what to feel.  And it is just a bit too soon for a home pregnancy test - this I know.  I wish there was a way to tell - I know what I feel in my heart but I have to wait for modern science and my body to confirm.

One other thing I have recently learned, I had no idea I could go online and take quiz after quiz to determine if what I am feeling is the early signs of pregnancy.  They all say the same thing - maybe.  So maybe just maybe - I wait 26 days into this cycle wondering if this will be the month.  But if not - we move forward - I move forward trying to best understand Heavenly Father's will for me and our family.  Courage and faith I wait.

Keeping Busy

It has been a month since I posted an update on this 2011 journey.   Spring has been very interesting one minute there is sunshine and 70 degree temperatures and the next day we could wake up with 4 inches of snow.  It is crazy.  I am ready for spring.  I am ready to work in my garden and dig in the dirt.  Just ready for sunshine.  Oh how I long for the sun and the warmth that it brings.

In the last blog I discussed my concerns about having a child.  I still have

 concerns but I have settled into the process of trying.  I wake up every morning and before I barely move, I take my temperature.  I log it and then I look for any changes.  I really feel more in tune with my body than ever before.  I never realized.  I am continuing with acupuncture, daily vitamins and supplements and now Chinese herbs.  I am not pregnant yet but I feel great - better than I have felt in a very long time!  It is amazing.

One of the other things that have I had to make the decision to change is my eating habits.  No dairy, no wheat and no refined sugar.  So what is a girl with a sweet tooth to do?  Well I have buried myself in the kitchen.  Trying recipes and experimenting.  My family has been the testing zone.  Some things have been a success and others - well big flops.  My first success was from the the Spunky Coconut is was the Spunky Coconut Vanilla Bean Cake recipe. My family loved that cake and did not have a clue what the ingredients were in the recipe.  The secret - cooked white beans.  When I told them - jaws dropped but they continued to eat it.  Sam even had two pieces.  Now that I have made changes in my diet, spent so much time cooking and tasting - the amazing thing is that I am down 10 pounds from Christmas.  I am still 10 pounds to go to hit my goal but I feel amazing!

Last thing - Dean and I just finished our first half marathon for the year and we completed it with one of our best times in our half marathon career.  I followed a combination of running and walking and finished in 2 hours and 32 minutes.  Yeah!!!  The most amazing thing I wasn't sore the next day.  I felt great.  I had energy.  I can't wait until our next race in a month.  In fact my children are excited about being active.  In fact I talked my daughter into doing the Dirty Girl Run.  We are a relay team and we will each be taking 2 miles through mud obstacles dressed as divas!  We are looking forward to that event in July. The site is Dirty Girl Run - check it out!

What Are We Doing?

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind.  Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog.  So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways.  Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion).  As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things.  My diet.  So here are the suggested changes:

• Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
• Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
• Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
• Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM!  I really like sugar
• Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
• Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
• No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice.  I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task.  I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen.  I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.'  I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this?  Most of all I am afraid of failure.  How will I feel if this doesn't work? 

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well.  However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband.  Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me.  I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe.  Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped.  Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again.  I dated and dated and then I met my husband.  I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit.  Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over.  Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey.  Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING?  Is this really what we want to do?  This is a lot of work for something so unknown.  And then I began to cry.  Dean took me in his arms and said he understood.  He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!)  Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets.  We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been.  So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process.  And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature.  But I didn't - deep sigh - no change.  I know this will take a few months.  I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer.  So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.

Faith Takes Us One More Step Forward

So in the last few weeks I have been waiting ever so patiently for results.  It has been so hard to keep my mind busy.  As I have waited for me, our daughter turned 16 years old and life continues to move forward one day at a time. 

Parenting a teenager is difficult enough, but by adding a couple of new factors into the equation - driving and dating - and it makes life even more challenging and prayerful.  So our daughter officially has her drivers license and every time she leaves the house I swear I get one more gray hair added to my head.  I pray in a new way for her each day.  I pray that she will return home safe and I pray that she will make good choices throughout her day.  It is so hard helping to raise these children that I have had the opportunity to parent for such a short time only to turn around to let them go, hoping that someday they will be happy with the choices they have made for themselves.

So now I feel impressed to try to bring a baby into this mix knowing full well what may lie ahead in the teenage years and beyond.  But still I feel that the direction is the right thing.  So the waiting takes on a new meaning.  We received the test results and according to the blood tests, established by modern science, they indicate that I can still try to conceive a child.  This is very good news.  My doctor so patiently looked at me as we discussed different options to move forward.  Her last piece of advise to me was "whatever you do, do it quickly" because she explained that age is very quickly starting to work against me and the concerns about endometriosis will become a moot point as I get older.

So now faith has taken us forward one more step.  We have decided to start acupuncture treatments which will begin tomorrow.  The thing that a blood test can't tell me is the damage that the endometriosis may have done inside of me.  Dean and I are not sure if putting me through surgery again just to find out that my tubes may be blocked is the right direction.  If that is the case that means more surgeries and right now it just doesn't feel right.  That impression may change but for now we both feel what we have done so far is right for us and now we wait again to see if it will work.  Deep down inside there is something telling that if this is going to work for us, we will know in six months.  Maybe it is crazy but that is how I feel about it today.  Faith brought me this far in my life and I know it can take me and my family even further than we ever thought could be possible.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

What Will 40 Bring?

I have almost been avoiding writing on my blog.  In some ways I have had to come to terms with myself.  Last year in January I wrote several different blogs consisting of thoughts about my best friend, motherhood and my list of 39 things to do before I turned 40.  Well I turned 40 last month and physically that has been a challenge - my back went out, my LDL cholesterol went up and almost overnight I gained 15 pounds.  After a routine physical all of the tests showed within a normal range.  My doctor has recommended a new exercise regime and the rest is up to me.  So now it is time for me to take charge of being 40.  Because my list of 39 things kept me focused last year, I have decided to work on a few more goals this year.  My list isn't quite as long but it does have some things that are very close to my heart and soul.  In talking with Dean we agreed that it would be okay to journal my thoughts on the blog  - so here is this years list of goals:

1. Read the Book of Mormon
2. Finish my Personal Progress
3. Volunteer at Monroe Elementary
4. Study for Pioneer Trek
5. Pay off my one credit card
6. Clean out my storage unit
7. Weekend get-a-way with my husband
8. Complete an open water triathlon
9. Learn a new dinner recipe
10. Lower my LDL cholesterol
11. Lose 20 pounds
12. Hike Timp
13. Try to have a baby

I am a firm believer that by putting the hearts desires and personal revelations down in writing it moves those thoughts to a form of action.  In the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite books) it talks about the importance of finding your personal legend.  The author states "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.  You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."  Coelho also states that "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Well my life is definitely a journey and each day is a new learning experience.  It is important to keep propelling my life into a forward motion in order for me to treasure all that has to offer.

So now with a big leap of faith I will move forward into my 40th year of life.  Thomas S. Monson has said that "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time." So going forward it is with faith that I work on this year's list.

One last thing - I love my husband!  He is my best support, my best friend and the balance in my life.  This year he made Valentine's Day so wonderful.  He is the first man to ever send me flowers!  He sent me 3 dozen red roses, took me to dinner and spoiled me all weekend.  How grateful I am that he is in my life!