Baby Ducks

The other night Dean and I were driving down a very busy construction filled street for our weekly date.  We had had several difficult weeks at home with our teenagers.  Well, to be honest several difficult months -hence the reason I haven't blogged for a while.  So now that we had some time to ourselves, we were simply sitting in silence in the car.  The traffic light had turned red and I was lost in my thoughts trying to figure out how things had gone so far off course in our home.  Sitting there, I looked up and noticed a mother duck trying to get her babies across seven different lanes of traffic.  Since our car had just come to a stop, she decided to cross right in front of us.  My heart panicked for her knowing she needed to make it across the street with her brood.  In a split second I went to jump out of the car but I froze as the light turned green.  Dean rolled down the window and got oncoming cars to stop - she made it across half of the busy construction filled road and had halfway to go without our help.  Our car didn't move and neither did the car next to us.  This brave mother duck waddled on with her children following closely behind.  Cars stopped quickly on the other side of the road when they realized this small family was working so frantically to get across the street.  What played out in just a matter of seconds - sure felt like an eternity as we waited to ensure the safe passage of this small group.  They made it!  Oh relief, tears welled up in my eyes,my racing heart began to relax and we drove on to our destination.

Lost in my thoughts again, I realized that I am like that mother duck.  I didn't have the opportunity to raise my children when they were young and now as they begin to spread their wings and learn to take flight I find myself doing everything possible to make sure they know how to cross the very busy street of life.  I am dependant on others around me (God, family, ward members and good friends) to help guide my children safely through the worldly construction.  Sometimes I can't do it alone - in fact I am sure that's the way our Heavenly Father planned it.  I need God in my life, I need the guidance as I navigate across the "busy road."  My children need him as well.  It is so hard watching my children grow, struggle and learn.  As they struggle, I struggle.  I want so bad to shelter them from the storm.  I can't always do that and I have to have faith they will remember what they have been taught, make good choices and always be surrounded by the everyday people and things that will help them cross the busy street.

Life has settled down in our home again.  Our children have had some marvelous experiences in the past few weeks and I am grateful.  I pray that they will continue to have a desire to choose good things that make them happy.

Now on getting pregnant.  Well with all of the chaos in our home, Dean and I decided to focus on our teenagers - not on getting pregnant.  So acupuncture and temperature reading were put on hold.  To be honest, my teenagers are making me really question having a child.  Parenting teens is emotionally draining and frankly I am not sure I am up for round two.  So we are trying to decide what our next step will be in this process.  We are looking at getting July behind us and then we will determine which way to go on this journey.

What Are We Doing?

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind.  Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog.  So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways.  Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion).  As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things.  My diet.  So here are the suggested changes:

• Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
• Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
• Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
• Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM!  I really like sugar
• Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
• Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
• No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice.  I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task.  I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen.  I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.'  I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this?  Most of all I am afraid of failure.  How will I feel if this doesn't work? 

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well.  However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband.  Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me.  I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe.  Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped.  Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again.  I dated and dated and then I met my husband.  I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit.  Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over.  Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey.  Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING?  Is this really what we want to do?  This is a lot of work for something so unknown.  And then I began to cry.  Dean took me in his arms and said he understood.  He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!)  Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets.  We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been.  So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process.  And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature.  But I didn't - deep sigh - no change.  I know this will take a few months.  I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer.  So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.

Faith Takes Us One More Step Forward

So in the last few weeks I have been waiting ever so patiently for results.  It has been so hard to keep my mind busy.  As I have waited for me, our daughter turned 16 years old and life continues to move forward one day at a time. 

Parenting a teenager is difficult enough, but by adding a couple of new factors into the equation - driving and dating - and it makes life even more challenging and prayerful.  So our daughter officially has her drivers license and every time she leaves the house I swear I get one more gray hair added to my head.  I pray in a new way for her each day.  I pray that she will return home safe and I pray that she will make good choices throughout her day.  It is so hard helping to raise these children that I have had the opportunity to parent for such a short time only to turn around to let them go, hoping that someday they will be happy with the choices they have made for themselves.

So now I feel impressed to try to bring a baby into this mix knowing full well what may lie ahead in the teenage years and beyond.  But still I feel that the direction is the right thing.  So the waiting takes on a new meaning.  We received the test results and according to the blood tests, established by modern science, they indicate that I can still try to conceive a child.  This is very good news.  My doctor so patiently looked at me as we discussed different options to move forward.  Her last piece of advise to me was "whatever you do, do it quickly" because she explained that age is very quickly starting to work against me and the concerns about endometriosis will become a moot point as I get older.

So now faith has taken us forward one more step.  We have decided to start acupuncture treatments which will begin tomorrow.  The thing that a blood test can't tell me is the damage that the endometriosis may have done inside of me.  Dean and I are not sure if putting me through surgery again just to find out that my tubes may be blocked is the right direction.  If that is the case that means more surgeries and right now it just doesn't feel right.  That impression may change but for now we both feel what we have done so far is right for us and now we wait again to see if it will work.  Deep down inside there is something telling that if this is going to work for us, we will know in six months.  Maybe it is crazy but that is how I feel about it today.  Faith brought me this far in my life and I know it can take me and my family even further than we ever thought could be possible.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family.  We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event.  Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive.  She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer.  She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal.  I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer.  I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body.  As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary.  After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options.  I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children.  I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects.  I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease.  At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice.  With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed.  I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage.  I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible.  But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years.  During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion.  I have also been blessed with three teenagers.  These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy.  Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007.  I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off.  I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day.  I am grateful for the good times.  But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home.  I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again.  But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful.  But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey.  If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider.  And so now I wait - we wait.  I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time."  It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

One Brushstroke at a Time

Today is Easter Sunday and it was also the 180th Annual Session of General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As I had time to reflect on the importance of this day and the chance to be with family, I have several thoughts rumbling around my soul as I have been working to find my place in the role of daughter, sister, aunt, wife and mother.
As I have written in previous blogs motherhood came very suddenly in my life. Whereas a majority of mothers get to start their motherhood careers adjusting to a child even before they are born, I have not had that same opportunity. Motherhood started with teenagers - a unique gift for me. I find myself being stretched and tested in so many ways. And some days it just feels as if I am the "Taxi Mom" trying to find that balance of getting everyone every place they need to be and still be able to get dinner on the table at a reasonable hour. I feel very inadequate and often wonder if I am doing any good at all.
Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to teach the Relief Society lesson on President Henry B. Eyring's October 2009 conference talk Our Perfect Example. In that talk he refers to the children's Primary song, I Am Trying to Be Like Jesus, in preparing for that lesson, I decided to have my nephew come and sing that song to the ladies.
The Saturday before my lesson was a crazy day. We had a race, family yard cleaning, soccer, grocery shopping, Young Women's Conference and on top of that I needed to practice this song with my nephew. Where was I going to find time? As I ran from place to place, the song practice was next on the list. When I got there, my nephew had practiced the wrong song so we started learning and practicing the new song from scratch. He and I sat side by side and went over the words - with each practice the words sank into my head and my heart and gave me a the reality check that I needed for the rest of the day.

Sunday morning and we are all at church. I take my nephew (C) to Primary and I go to Sunday School. I am starting to get nervous, what if the song doesn't work, what if the words are forgotten and there are many more what ifs that I continue to worry about. I go and pick C up from Primary and when he sees me, he comes out the door, puts his arms around me and whispers in my ear "Oh Aunt Joelle - I love you." Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered, just that little boy and his unconditional love for me - the most inadequate and imperfect person in the world. C and I sang the song together. I was told that it went well but in my heart nothing mattered more at that moment than that little person and what he taught to me. The words of the song told me everything that I need to worry about to be the best that I can be for me and all of my family. Here are the words:

• I'm trying to be like Jesus, I'm following in his ways
• I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say.
• At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
• But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,
• "Love on another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

When life gets crazy - sometimes it is the simplest things that I forget to do. It is remembering to try to be like Jesus (My Perfect Example) that will help me to find that day-to-day balance as I navigate through my new role as a parent.

In Elder David A. Bednar's October 2009 conference address More Diligent and Concerned at Home he states the following:

"...a painting** is a vast collection of individual brushstrokes - none of which in isolation is very interesting or impressive. In fact, if you stand close to the canvas, all you can see is a mass of seemingly unrelated and unattractive streaks of paint. However, as you gradually move away from the canvas, all of the individual brushstrokes combine together and produces a magnificent picture. Many ordinary, individual brushstrokes work together to create a captivating and beautiful painting...Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls."

So I guess I may never see my family's completed painting , but hopefully the brush strokes that I have the opportunity to add to the masterpiece of our home, through family activities, family study, bearing my testimony and teaching the importance of agency, will come together to make a beautiful portrait. Until then, I will just continue to have faith, hope and trust in my Heavenly Father that things will work out as they should in this life.

**Note: the painting is Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte by George Seurat. He is a pointillist painter (the dots) I chose this painting in an effort to show the individual strokes that it takes to make the whole picture come together.

Life Stories

It has been a while since I have posted on my blog and in some bizarre way I have missed writing all of the different learning experiences that I have had recently.

In previous blogs I have had the opportunity to share about the wonderful trip that Dean and I took to Chile and Antarctica. It was an experience that has impacted my life - the people and the place changed me and helped me to grow. It was as if we were meant to be there and return back to our home in the planned time frame. Because exactly two weeks to the day, Chile was struck by an 8.8 earthquake one of the biggest in the country's history. Following were multiple aftershocks, power outages and destruction. Dean and I are thankful to be home, but our hearts and prayers go out to the people who are living there in the country's upset environment. We are looking for ways to help even though we are so far away. We are using this experience to try to teach our family that we have the ability to help people even if we can't see them face to face. Our stories of being there, make Chile real for our children and we hopefully can share the importance of helping others as well.

The last few weeks have been full of different learning moments for each of us in our home. And things that happened to me in my distant past have returned in the form of stories for my children as we navigate through life together - taking the good and the bad and making it work in our family. In the book, Kitchen Table Wisdom Rachel Naomi Remen, MD shares this thought:

"We carry with us every story we have ever heard and every story we have ever lived, filed away at some deep place in our memory. We carry most of those stories unread, as it were, until we have grown the capacity of the readiness to read them. When that happens they may come back to us filled with a previously unsuspected meaning. It is almost as if we have been collecting pieces of a greater wisdom, sometimes over many years without knowing."

I never dreamed that things that I had done when I was younger - my stories - would be so significant at this point in my life. But I find that when we encounter bumps in the road at our home, it is the stories that we share that tie us together. Yes, I share my imperfections with my children - I filter them but I share them. That is tough for me because I don't want them to see all that I have done wrong but I do need them to see that I am human and that I have been a teenager too. Sure it doesn't make every situation better but somehow it seems to help them see that I have walked in similar steps and that through our mistakes we can learn and grow.

Dr. Remen goes on to say; "One of the blessings of growing older is the discovery that many of the things I once believed to be my shortcomings have turned out in the long run to be my strengths, and other things of which I was unduly proud have revealed themselves in the end to be among my shortcomings. Things that I have hidden from others for years turn out to be the anchor and enrichment of my middle age. What a blessing it is to outlive your self-judgments and harvest your failures."

How grateful I am for my life experiences, my failures and my successes. Those are the things that have shaped that person that I am and those are the things that will help me to mold the person that I am to become. I just hope in some small way I can help my children to grasp their life moments, good and bad, and to glean all that they can from them in an effort to shape and structure their future and posterity to come.

Motherhood

I have been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. Being a mother happened very suddenly in my life and for the last year and a half I have learned a lot. However, that hasn't even scratched the surface of what parental learning experiences I know are quietly waiting out in the wings ever so patiently for me to be prepared so that they may enter my life puzzle at just the right moment.

First of all let me say love is an amazing thing. And it wasn't until I got married and added more family into my life, that I realized how truly strong this emotion can be for me. Here is a story that might explain it better. In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. During the laproscopic surgery, the doctor identified that I had a very severe case. I was told that unless I went on a somewhat experimental drug, that I probably would never have children. Well I researched, studied, fasted and prayed and determined that drug was not right for my life. I felt, and still feel, that I needed to do what would work for me in order to maintain my health. I decided that if I wouldn't be able to give birth to children that I would be as healthy as I could in order to care for the children who may surround my life. I was single then, I only had one nephew and I had come to terms with my health and the decision I felt was right for my life. I guess if I had to, I could live with the fact that I may never have children of my own. So I pressed forward and really health wise I have been doing so well. It has been 5 years and I feel healthier than before the surgery.

However, now that I am married, love has taken on a new dimension for me. I now am a mother (or substitute mother) for three teenagers. Yes that's right - out of the frying pan and into the fire as some would say. Our children are 17, 14, and 13. Their mother was sick for a very long time and has since passed away. I am here to pick up where she left off. Dean and I have worked very hard to make sure the children see life continue not end and start over. So we have left all of the pictures on the walls in our home and we are slowly adding our new pictures - it is a process of building. I love my husband so much and that love seems to spill over to my children. There are times that parenting is so challenging that I don't know how we are going to make it one more day. But that crazy, strong and ever enduring emotion of love seems to carry us through. It amazes me.

However, being married has added another dimension of love that I didn't even know existed - wow. I often wish that my circumstances were different, that my health would cooperate and that I would be able to give birth to a little piece of me and little piece of Dean. That amazing bond of love and that desire to carry it forward oftentimes feels so powerful. I know that desired part of my life probably will never come to pass - or at least in the way I thought piece should fit into my puzzle. So now I take the "new" piece I have been gifted with and fit it into it's place in my life.

I love my family all of them, my husband, my children, my parents, brothers, sisters and yes the newly added amazing trio (ages 5, 3, and 1). I even love the dog and yes that cat (that doesn't mean he can come into my room - but I will still feed him treats when nobody is looking).